As I believe I have mentioned to everyone who actually reads this blog, I feel like I needed a new, more gatekept, iteration of my pika blog. It is very very good for me to write about my life- in deep and meaningful and also somewhat pedestrian and trivial ways: mainly it lets me feel slightly less crazy. I also find that for me writing (whether typing or handwriting) allows me to chew on the thought longer or maybe resolve how I feel about something in a way that if it was just me in my mind palace1 wouldn't happen. I also hate how hard it is for me to communicate my feelings verbally with the perfect nuance and elegance that I have when talking to (with?) myself in my own head, and even though I have a feeling that I will feel that way forever, hopefully writing more will start to bridge that gap.2
I had to make this new blog so that I could only tell 5-10 people about it and keep it as the safe and unredacted place I meant for it to be because, Long story short, (I forget who I have and have not told), my recent trip to Italy for my friends' wedding was honestly a total disaster in many ways (except the actual wedding ceremony and reception, which were beautiful and amazing and probably one of the nicest weddings ever) and I am no longer friends (or at least not good friends) with the person that I traveled there with and I do not want him to have access to my blog! I will not say more than that because I am both sick of telling it to people and it also is genuinely not something I should just be telling ppl left and right.
Because it has been so long since I have posted anything, I will paste below my notes from the blog post-less times:
8/21/26 @10:56 pm
Actually doing an AMAZING job of not being evil right now- Sophie lowkey ruined my gorgeous new wet brush by using it with a hair dryer and MELT/BENDING THE BRISTLES…….. I was actually shockingly chill about it EDIT:SHE BOUGHT ME A NEW BRUSH HALLELUJAH- but also she is taking her water flosser to school and has already packed it up and now how will my mouth ever feel fully clean ever again??? So now I’m sitting here ready for bed but feel like my mouth is a gaping hole because I don’t have a water flosser!!!! More seriously, I got rejected from NADA earlier today (exact message below)
“Hey Nina, I was just chatting with Caitlin. I don’t think we would be able to proceed at this time. Nothing wrong with you, I told Caitlin you would fit in with the Boca service team even with your current experience. You seem very knowledgeable and would do great in this environment or fine dining. The only thing that was holding us back was the availability conflicts with our scheduling needs. I reached to the other locations to see if they could have something for you with your availability, but I don’t think we would be able to make that work. I am sorry, and I wish you the best on your search and your career with becoming a professor one day!” like what do you mean I’m overqualified and yet I can't get the job
Like let’s be so fucking for real: I work 20 hours a week (besides freelance but thats inconsistent hours and besides the point), exclusively from 11 am to 5/6 pm. That means I still have 4 FULL days and 3 night shifts to offer. NADA is only closed Mondays, is open 10am to 10 pm most days, and even has a specific Sunday brunch shift. If you don’t have the availability to hire someone who can work all but three day shifts, you prob don’t have availability to be hiring!! And like I texted BOTH managers over two weeks ago… the only reason I didn’t interview until Sunday was that they weren’t texting me back!!!! If I lost this job due to the laziness/slow response of the managers…..
I think I just don’t really know what to do about jobs… I am coming at this with a good resume, excellent interviewing skills, an open heart, and usually a reference or referral!!! Of course I am cynical and feeling frustrated!!! I refuse to believe that I’m not getting work because of some sort of woo-woo bullshit about me subconsciously thinking I won’t get the job!!!!3 I NEED a job! And don’t even get me started on nannying….. I’m currently working on a blog post about it.
Finally, I started to listen to Olivia Rodrigo’s album today, and as always it’s excellent and I am deeply, horribly jealous of her. For one, her songs are so popular and so good because she is putting into words and melodies so clearly and concisely rather universal experiences of being a young contemporary (American) woman- have I not too made out with someone at a bar in the bathroom light? Have I not too wanted someone so bad that it felt bigger than desire or lust?? Have I not too felt inadequate and hateful yet jealous of the other girls at a party??? I want to be able to live my life and then produce art that is so personal yet so accessible and still beautiful/enjoyable…. UGHHHHHHH and the kicker is that she is one of those girls at the metaphorical party that I am jealous of!! She is beautiful and seems smart and funny and interesting (and she’s very thin ofc) and also she’s getting more game than me (who isn’t but also that’s my choice) I feel I am immune to most parasocial feelings regarding stars but for some reason she gets me.
IMPORTANT: THE ABOVE NOTE IS FROM BEFORE THE ITALY TRIP, THE BELOW IS FROM AFTER (if you couldn't tell from the context lol)
9/11/26 @12:45 pm
I’m so embarrassed. I’m crying in the bathroom at work. I feel just so emotionally exhausted and just so so so sad. I miss all the good parts of Savannah. I miss Mavis. I miss all those friendships and how everything was in this kind of slow haze and felt somewhat endless and easy and nostalgic even as I was living it. Garrett hasn’t answers my texts recently- I hope he’s okay. Moka asked how the trip went and I find myself barely able to say anything about it. I said that “the friend I went with was rude and immature and I found it to be exhausting and I’ve never been more homesick in my life, but the ceremony itself was lovely” and like none of that is strictly false, but in not getting to the real truth it is false. Also, I think my car might be finally finally about to die and it’s just so inconvenient. I am out of emotional stores of any kind- I feel I’m processing the world emotionally as a baby- there is nothing left to rely on I can only feel in the moment and it’s so hard and it makes me feel like I can’t/shouldn’t be around other people. And because I don’t really know what to expect at the Fotofocus shifts rn casue were between show installations - like maybe we’re moving shit around and doing manual labor and maybe we’re just sitting and making sure venues get their stuff- I didn’t bring anything besides my purse and my lunch box today, but of course it’s a sit and do nothing day and I literally have nothing to do but think.
Pasted here directly from the notes app, here are my current Halloween costume ideas, very all over the map, which I would really value feedback on (love the poll feature on leaflet!!)
I will finish by saying that I have finally landed a waitress job, and while it is not nearly as well-paying as NADA (or anything downtown) it is charming in its own greasy dive bar way- I feel like Lana working at Waffle House and all my coworkers are 30 year old women- slayful tbh
me working a shift at Salem Gardens